First Steps to Take When Your Child is Struggling
You've just left a parent-teacher conference. Or you've just finished reading an e-mail from your child's teacher. Or you walk away from a casual conversation at pick up with a suggestion to call the learning support specialist. Maybe your child is coming home telling you how hard it is for her to understand what they're reading in class. Whatever the scenario, you've just learned that your child is struggling and you have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. What now?
Don't Panic
No one wants to see their child struggle in school. We all have an image in our head of our children learning to read, write and think mathematically, happily performing their daily tasks at school with pride and a feeling of success. When we hear that this might not be the case, we move towards the panic button. We want to fix things, we want to find the magic bullet that will make everything ok. But before you hit the panic button, remember that the developmental continuum in children, particularly young ones, is huge. We accept that not all babies will learn to walk and talk at the same age but we struggle with the idea that not all kids will learn to read, write or calculate at the same age. Yet, neuroscience tells us that this is exactly the case; young brains develop at very different rates, all of which are completely normal and completely acceptable. So when you get the news that your child may be struggling, don't panic.
Take it Seriously
Most teachers have a pretty good feel for what is within the expected range of development and what is unexpected. Very few teachers take telling a parent their child is struggling lightly and so, if the teacher approaches you with this news, you can be pretty sure it was well thought out. Caught early, many learning challenges can be remediated or children can be taught functional work-arounds that allow them to lead extremely successful lives (for a list of some celebrities with dyslexia, ADHD & dyscalculia, click here). So do take it seriously when you are told your child may be struggling; ask questions and look in to possible next steps, including tutoring, assessment within the school system, medical assessments and any other suggested avenues that may be available to you.
Take it With A Grain of Salt
Your child's teacher knows them well. You know them better. Take a moment to ask yourself if what the teacher is telling you fits the child you know and love; if they are telling you that your child can't read aloud at school but they read to their baby brother every morning at home, take a few of the books they read in to the show the teacher. Ask them if they are about the level that would be expected for your child's age and grade. If the answer is yes, then more investigation is needed to determine why your child can do it at home but not at school (anxiety? dislike of the books at school? boredom?). If the answer is no, then further investigation is likely warranted to understand more about their learning (see above).
Be cautious though - it is easy to let our love and protective instincts mask what we really know to be true about our children, just as it is easy to let our own fears and experiences colour how we see their experiences. Take some time to explore your initial reaction and decide if you are letting your own feelings get in the way of what, deep down, you know to be true; often, we know our kids are struggling but just aren't ready to admit it, yet.
Be cautious though - it is easy to let our love and protective instincts mask what we really know to be true about our children, just as it is easy to let our own fears and experiences colour how we see their experiences. Take some time to explore your initial reaction and decide if you are letting your own feelings get in the way of what, deep down, you know to be true; often, we know our kids are struggling but just aren't ready to admit it, yet.
Keep An Open Mind
The very best thing you can do when you hear that your child may be struggling is to ask questions. Lots of questions. Not accusatory, "why didn't you do more to help my child?" types of questions, but rather "how can we work together to help her?" types of questions. Keep open communication with the school and avoid jumping to conclusions. While you hear that there is something terribly wrong with your child, they may merely be suggesting some extra after-school reading practice. Working with, rather than against, your child's school is the single best way to help your child move forward. Ask what you can do to help. Ask what they are doing to help. Ask what they think might be the issue and why. Try not to label your child right off the bat, but do allow the possibility of a label to guide your questioning. If the school is suggesting they think your child may be on the autism spectrum, learn about the autism spectrum; decide for yourself if it warrants further research and assessment. Most of all, see the ability. See everything wonderful that you saw in your child yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. They are still that child and they still have all of the potential that you see in that child.
Do Your Research
One of my favourite websites for all things to do with struggling learners is Understood; there you will find a myriad of resources to help answer your questions, determine what the issues might be and generally provide you (and the teachers) with tons of helpful information for supporting your child. Simple key word internet searches will often bring you to very helpful and informative websites as well. Be aware, however - the internet is a double-edged sword. The key word "autism", for example, will lead you to as much information of the dangers of vaccinations as it will to truly well-informed and useful information about autism. Try to avoid the horror stories and stick to the positive information that resonates with you and helps you to chart a path forward. Access living, breathing experts in your area as much as possible. Speak with your doctor, the school and school district learning specialists, a counsellor and any other appropriate professionals. The more information you can garner, the better prepared you will be to help your child.
Focus on the child
In the end, this all boils down to helping your child succeed. Whether they need a little extra one-on-one reading time, accommodations in class or medication, the end goal is a successful school career (and life) for your kiddo. By taking your time to ask questions and do your research, you will begin to figure out what the best course of action is for your child. Each child, each situation, is unique and requires time, partnership and understanding to figure out. Be patient with your child, be patient with the school and be patient with yourself. This is a journey and we all need a good crew to go with us.
